feeling blue

well Leigh and I finally broke up - I am as much relieved as anything
and happy free up all that energy

holidays and transition

Today it snowed again - I love the fresh snow -

I have no heat - the liner in my chimney is cracked and I have no emotional energy to deal with fixing it right now - so I cranked the underfloor heating and am having a lot of baths in my big claw foot bath tub - with my bath salts - seeing my breath inside is not cool
I recognize this is a problem that will not go away when I ignore it but I can't deal with it right now. its only going to get colder....

Maya, my beautiful little lady has had the flu and I have been working too hard - I am so ready for three weeks off and some holidays

-so many learning edges - around leadership and management and ethics and principles and reflection and my work feels so self indulgent when it is my personal development that is my current learning edge. Not so long ago I had serious addictions to deal with - now I push at these edges that are so far from where I was - you never get there - transcend and include - you go on and on- upwards and updwards....

I have one week until I leave for Vancouver to pick up Leigh. Why do I feel this way? I don't think we remember how to be in love with each other - I think there is a shadow - I am so calm on the outside but inside my body tightens when I think about it. Our love is like the chimney cracks in more ways than one. I can't deal with it either..



Maya and I have been laughing so much - and sharing in a really cool deep level -and just having a great time together -our relationship is in this very cool tranistion right now - motherhood is so amazing - today I told her how much she has changed my life for the better -from day one but she just continues to give me so much every day - and she pushes me to be this greater person like nothing else.

I think I need to admit that I hate Christmas instead of fighting it every year- I was adpoted- given away at birth- my birth parents got married after they gave me away - and they had two more girls, two full sisters for me - they all found me when I was nineteen and they showed up at the bar I was working at one friday night in downtown Vancouver -

- I just don't fully fit anywhere - I wish I didn't care - but I try too hard - and am always disappointed.

the mother that adopted me died when I was five - I have a step mother - who has three kids- that are also kind of my familly too - this is all so complicated this time of year -

I always end up feeling raw and emotional over Christmas. I need to learn to take care of myself instead of creating unrealistic expectations.
Why is this all so hard every year?

Thesis - really trying to finish before I head to Vancouver - I am not progressing as quickly as I should be - I have so much fear - and feelings of failure - and disappointment wrapped up in those 100 pages. so painful - when I finish - soon - it is going to be the greatest thing I have ever done.

Leigh I am so scared of seeing you again - I am not sure about this - I think we might be done. What is love? where does it start and when does it end?

went to roller derby practice with some friends on sunday - I had a ton of fun - I am going to go again this week - it just might have been the highlight of my week - who knew....

wow - that was a lot of random information......