tender broken hearts

well it has been three weeks since Leigh and I ended our five year relationship -
my heart has stopped aching - but that might have something to do with the fact we are still sleeping together and tomorrow he is taking me out on a date..... hhhmmmm....

I do not really know exactly what I am doing - or where this is going. I am pretty sure we are done. I am pretty sure I can never trust him again - he was supposed to be my safe place - he was supposed to keep me safe and he did not. He lied about money and other things and he had another woman in his bed. Betrayal and deceipt.

I don't feel angry - he has definatley broken us - but life goes on. Being near him still feels good and right - but we can't go back - and I am not sure how and if we can move forward.
I need to finish my thesis and work is so stressfull with deadlines - and budgets and staff to manage - I don't have the luxury of just falling apart or running away.

He says he is in love with me still but I can see it in his eyes that he is not. Not like he used to be anyway.

I need time to myself - life is so busy - with roller derby, work, travel, fire hall, skiing and snowboarding, and work and thesis. I need time alone to ground myself and my desires and my thoughts.

We are being really good friends to each other.

on saturday night - my neighbour - whos house had burned down - and was living in his shed - had another fire - his shed went up in flames - and he was in it - as he ran out his head was on fire. He was burnt !!

I made him come in my house - and got him to put cold water on his hands and head - he is now in Vancouver in the intensive care unit and will be there for two months - looks like I am looking after his big rotweiller for a while - I want to walk her but I not sure how that would go.

He had black stuff burnt to his head - I thought it was his sleeping bag but one of the other fire fighters told me tonight it was tar from the shingles on the roof.
It was traumatic, just like my broken heart- with trauma comes freedom.

I need to get away..........

feeling blue

well Leigh and I finally broke up - I am as much relieved as anything
and happy free up all that energy

holidays and transition

Today it snowed again - I love the fresh snow -

I have no heat - the liner in my chimney is cracked and I have no emotional energy to deal with fixing it right now - so I cranked the underfloor heating and am having a lot of baths in my big claw foot bath tub - with my bath salts - seeing my breath inside is not cool
I recognize this is a problem that will not go away when I ignore it but I can't deal with it right now. its only going to get colder....

Maya, my beautiful little lady has had the flu and I have been working too hard - I am so ready for three weeks off and some holidays

-so many learning edges - around leadership and management and ethics and principles and reflection and my work feels so self indulgent when it is my personal development that is my current learning edge. Not so long ago I had serious addictions to deal with - now I push at these edges that are so far from where I was - you never get there - transcend and include - you go on and on- upwards and updwards....

I have one week until I leave for Vancouver to pick up Leigh. Why do I feel this way? I don't think we remember how to be in love with each other - I think there is a shadow - I am so calm on the outside but inside my body tightens when I think about it. Our love is like the chimney cracks in more ways than one. I can't deal with it either..



Maya and I have been laughing so much - and sharing in a really cool deep level -and just having a great time together -our relationship is in this very cool tranistion right now - motherhood is so amazing - today I told her how much she has changed my life for the better -from day one but she just continues to give me so much every day - and she pushes me to be this greater person like nothing else.

I think I need to admit that I hate Christmas instead of fighting it every year- I was adpoted- given away at birth- my birth parents got married after they gave me away - and they had two more girls, two full sisters for me - they all found me when I was nineteen and they showed up at the bar I was working at one friday night in downtown Vancouver -

- I just don't fully fit anywhere - I wish I didn't care - but I try too hard - and am always disappointed.

the mother that adopted me died when I was five - I have a step mother - who has three kids- that are also kind of my familly too - this is all so complicated this time of year -

I always end up feeling raw and emotional over Christmas. I need to learn to take care of myself instead of creating unrealistic expectations.
Why is this all so hard every year?

Thesis - really trying to finish before I head to Vancouver - I am not progressing as quickly as I should be - I have so much fear - and feelings of failure - and disappointment wrapped up in those 100 pages. so painful - when I finish - soon - it is going to be the greatest thing I have ever done.

Leigh I am so scared of seeing you again - I am not sure about this - I think we might be done. What is love? where does it start and when does it end?

went to roller derby practice with some friends on sunday - I had a ton of fun - I am going to go again this week - it just might have been the highlight of my week - who knew....

wow - that was a lot of random information......

New moon - wish list

The new moon phase is an optimal time for planning and seeding your intentions. Seedlings need a period of gestation before they break through the soil and reach for the sunlight. This is also true for our ideas and our desires. The dark side of the moon, with its mysterious unseen forces, offers a nurturing environment where our intentions can establish roots before their miraculous manifestations begin to sprout and reach out to the stars.

I welcome these things into my life - for my good and the common good....


I want to finish my thesis (that is number one two and three) this month

I want to invest effort and intentions towards deepening my relationship with Maya
(she is turning into a teenager and needs me in a different way all of a sudden our relationship is changing - I need to be watchful)

I want to go to the spa

I want to have a wonderful holiday with my family (I am worried about it) family always makes me crazy.

I want to mend my differences with Leigh and build something really good and solid - and strong

I want to make a new friend

I want to keep running and working out and look hot(ter)!!

I want to do something to make my home even more inviting and more of a sacred place and sanctuary for me

I want to manifest health and beauty

I want to manifest quiet moments and meaningful exchanges

I want peace and love and friendship and goodness and light

coffee shops are my new secret to success for my thesis

I had an amazing day today - I had a great run in the morning - an OK day at work -
and then an amazing evening sitting at the coffee shop being amazingly productive on the thesis front - and quite content to enjoy the jazz and my mint tea - and write and write and write - oh if all days could be like today -

tomorrow morning run then yoga- then more coffee shop thesis time - Oh life is grand!!

tomorrow is a new moon - I must remember to ritual it up in the evening - new moons are for attracting things into your life and full moons are for discarding -

my wish list is about finishing my thesis - and opening my heart and new beginings !
I am so optimistic today its crazy !!
love and light - peace and love -

I also picked up a quarter happy cow from my friend today - all butchered and my freezer outside is so full - I have been on a total vegan kick - and all the brown packages don't appeal to me at all - but eventually the organic prime rib will call my name.

fuscia tights and what makes a dad?

Today I wore fuscia tights - I have decided they are the secret to happiness -
well one of them anyways....

how can you feel sad or overwhelmed or upset - when your legs are hot pinkish - everytime I looked down today I smilled - (they are already in the laundry other wise I would definatley post a picture) they were HOT - and I wore my lime green jacket - I was a rainbow :-)

I am cleansing - oh yah !!! - red rose, started today - I have been really craving a cleaner diet - dairy has been tasting yuck....

I am slowly making some progress on the final stages of my thesis...

so here is the plan - I want to hand it in on the 15th of Decemeber - that gives me 3 weeks of focus and determination - then when I get in the car and drive to Vancouver then I will be free like a bird - yeah - that is all I want for Christmas -
a finsihed thesis - and good times with friends - and oh yah some tea and bath salts from silk road - and a new down vest.... but mostly my thesis done - I think I will post here each day - to make myself accountable to this intention and commitment.

Wish me luck on my thesis - send out thesis finsihing vibes into the universe for me - I am so so so desperate to finish - yet I am struggling so badly with it - I need to get past myself - through myself - over myself - and sit and write - and love the exploration - and stop being stuck in my life - I am ready for some change - some expansion - ready to plant some new seeds -

how do I do that??? why am I so blocked? my parents have my daughter - Leigh is in Vancouver - so I have this beautiful cabin - all to myself to just write and write and write - yet I don't - for 3 years I just don't...I have a full draft written - but every page has been a struggle - agonizing struggle - hardest thing I have ever done - I go over my choices and wonder.. I need to have the courage and strength to finish what I started.

oh going to Vancouver - this brings up something else I need to face - here is the thing - I am going to be in Vancouver with my daughter - so I guess I am going to take her to meet her father - ( aka. sperm supplier - (if you are reading this please don't be offended)

I am terrified of this - for oh so many reasons - she has always been all mine - she is 9 going on 30- she is smart -and edgy - and independant - and fierce -and I am so madly in love with her - and I am scared of possibilities -

I am a little scared of him - although it is probably an irrational fear - I am so not the same person - man we were both so self destructive back in the day - he tells me I was way worse than him - partially maybe - I change he remains remarkably the same- healing, growing, how do we transcend and include - those from our past - or do we want to?

I am not sure she needs him - but I don't think I have the right to make that decision. I have been terrified of this day since she was born. Facing fears is good... blocked energy vanishes and makes room for newness...

I haven't told her yet... ahhhh...

the quality of my life...

the quality of a life improves by what you take out of it rather than what you add...

time is not something to be managed -

intentional
centered
aware