fuscia tights and what makes a dad?

Today I wore fuscia tights - I have decided they are the secret to happiness -
well one of them anyways....

how can you feel sad or overwhelmed or upset - when your legs are hot pinkish - everytime I looked down today I smilled - (they are already in the laundry other wise I would definatley post a picture) they were HOT - and I wore my lime green jacket - I was a rainbow :-)

I am cleansing - oh yah !!! - red rose, started today - I have been really craving a cleaner diet - dairy has been tasting yuck....

I am slowly making some progress on the final stages of my thesis...

so here is the plan - I want to hand it in on the 15th of Decemeber - that gives me 3 weeks of focus and determination - then when I get in the car and drive to Vancouver then I will be free like a bird - yeah - that is all I want for Christmas -
a finsihed thesis - and good times with friends - and oh yah some tea and bath salts from silk road - and a new down vest.... but mostly my thesis done - I think I will post here each day - to make myself accountable to this intention and commitment.

Wish me luck on my thesis - send out thesis finsihing vibes into the universe for me - I am so so so desperate to finish - yet I am struggling so badly with it - I need to get past myself - through myself - over myself - and sit and write - and love the exploration - and stop being stuck in my life - I am ready for some change - some expansion - ready to plant some new seeds -

how do I do that??? why am I so blocked? my parents have my daughter - Leigh is in Vancouver - so I have this beautiful cabin - all to myself to just write and write and write - yet I don't - for 3 years I just don't...I have a full draft written - but every page has been a struggle - agonizing struggle - hardest thing I have ever done - I go over my choices and wonder.. I need to have the courage and strength to finish what I started.

oh going to Vancouver - this brings up something else I need to face - here is the thing - I am going to be in Vancouver with my daughter - so I guess I am going to take her to meet her father - ( aka. sperm supplier - (if you are reading this please don't be offended)

I am terrified of this - for oh so many reasons - she has always been all mine - she is 9 going on 30- she is smart -and edgy - and independant - and fierce -and I am so madly in love with her - and I am scared of possibilities -

I am a little scared of him - although it is probably an irrational fear - I am so not the same person - man we were both so self destructive back in the day - he tells me I was way worse than him - partially maybe - I change he remains remarkably the same- healing, growing, how do we transcend and include - those from our past - or do we want to?

I am not sure she needs him - but I don't think I have the right to make that decision. I have been terrified of this day since she was born. Facing fears is good... blocked energy vanishes and makes room for newness...

I haven't told her yet... ahhhh...