tender broken hearts

well it has been three weeks since Leigh and I ended our five year relationship -
my heart has stopped aching - but that might have something to do with the fact we are still sleeping together and tomorrow he is taking me out on a date..... hhhmmmm....

I do not really know exactly what I am doing - or where this is going. I am pretty sure we are done. I am pretty sure I can never trust him again - he was supposed to be my safe place - he was supposed to keep me safe and he did not. He lied about money and other things and he had another woman in his bed. Betrayal and deceipt.

I don't feel angry - he has definatley broken us - but life goes on. Being near him still feels good and right - but we can't go back - and I am not sure how and if we can move forward.
I need to finish my thesis and work is so stressfull with deadlines - and budgets and staff to manage - I don't have the luxury of just falling apart or running away.

He says he is in love with me still but I can see it in his eyes that he is not. Not like he used to be anyway.

I need time to myself - life is so busy - with roller derby, work, travel, fire hall, skiing and snowboarding, and work and thesis. I need time alone to ground myself and my desires and my thoughts.

We are being really good friends to each other.

on saturday night - my neighbour - whos house had burned down - and was living in his shed - had another fire - his shed went up in flames - and he was in it - as he ran out his head was on fire. He was burnt !!

I made him come in my house - and got him to put cold water on his hands and head - he is now in Vancouver in the intensive care unit and will be there for two months - looks like I am looking after his big rotweiller for a while - I want to walk her but I not sure how that would go.

He had black stuff burnt to his head - I thought it was his sleeping bag but one of the other fire fighters told me tonight it was tar from the shingles on the roof.
It was traumatic, just like my broken heart- with trauma comes freedom.

I need to get away..........