New moon - wish list

The new moon phase is an optimal time for planning and seeding your intentions. Seedlings need a period of gestation before they break through the soil and reach for the sunlight. This is also true for our ideas and our desires. The dark side of the moon, with its mysterious unseen forces, offers a nurturing environment where our intentions can establish roots before their miraculous manifestations begin to sprout and reach out to the stars.

I welcome these things into my life - for my good and the common good....


I want to finish my thesis (that is number one two and three) this month

I want to invest effort and intentions towards deepening my relationship with Maya
(she is turning into a teenager and needs me in a different way all of a sudden our relationship is changing - I need to be watchful)

I want to go to the spa

I want to have a wonderful holiday with my family (I am worried about it) family always makes me crazy.

I want to mend my differences with Leigh and build something really good and solid - and strong

I want to make a new friend

I want to keep running and working out and look hot(ter)!!

I want to do something to make my home even more inviting and more of a sacred place and sanctuary for me

I want to manifest health and beauty

I want to manifest quiet moments and meaningful exchanges

I want peace and love and friendship and goodness and light

coffee shops are my new secret to success for my thesis

I had an amazing day today - I had a great run in the morning - an OK day at work -
and then an amazing evening sitting at the coffee shop being amazingly productive on the thesis front - and quite content to enjoy the jazz and my mint tea - and write and write and write - oh if all days could be like today -

tomorrow morning run then yoga- then more coffee shop thesis time - Oh life is grand!!

tomorrow is a new moon - I must remember to ritual it up in the evening - new moons are for attracting things into your life and full moons are for discarding -

my wish list is about finishing my thesis - and opening my heart and new beginings !
I am so optimistic today its crazy !!
love and light - peace and love -

I also picked up a quarter happy cow from my friend today - all butchered and my freezer outside is so full - I have been on a total vegan kick - and all the brown packages don't appeal to me at all - but eventually the organic prime rib will call my name.

fuscia tights and what makes a dad?

Today I wore fuscia tights - I have decided they are the secret to happiness -
well one of them anyways....

how can you feel sad or overwhelmed or upset - when your legs are hot pinkish - everytime I looked down today I smilled - (they are already in the laundry other wise I would definatley post a picture) they were HOT - and I wore my lime green jacket - I was a rainbow :-)

I am cleansing - oh yah !!! - red rose, started today - I have been really craving a cleaner diet - dairy has been tasting yuck....

I am slowly making some progress on the final stages of my thesis...

so here is the plan - I want to hand it in on the 15th of Decemeber - that gives me 3 weeks of focus and determination - then when I get in the car and drive to Vancouver then I will be free like a bird - yeah - that is all I want for Christmas -
a finsihed thesis - and good times with friends - and oh yah some tea and bath salts from silk road - and a new down vest.... but mostly my thesis done - I think I will post here each day - to make myself accountable to this intention and commitment.

Wish me luck on my thesis - send out thesis finsihing vibes into the universe for me - I am so so so desperate to finish - yet I am struggling so badly with it - I need to get past myself - through myself - over myself - and sit and write - and love the exploration - and stop being stuck in my life - I am ready for some change - some expansion - ready to plant some new seeds -

how do I do that??? why am I so blocked? my parents have my daughter - Leigh is in Vancouver - so I have this beautiful cabin - all to myself to just write and write and write - yet I don't - for 3 years I just don't...I have a full draft written - but every page has been a struggle - agonizing struggle - hardest thing I have ever done - I go over my choices and wonder.. I need to have the courage and strength to finish what I started.

oh going to Vancouver - this brings up something else I need to face - here is the thing - I am going to be in Vancouver with my daughter - so I guess I am going to take her to meet her father - ( aka. sperm supplier - (if you are reading this please don't be offended)

I am terrified of this - for oh so many reasons - she has always been all mine - she is 9 going on 30- she is smart -and edgy - and independant - and fierce -and I am so madly in love with her - and I am scared of possibilities -

I am a little scared of him - although it is probably an irrational fear - I am so not the same person - man we were both so self destructive back in the day - he tells me I was way worse than him - partially maybe - I change he remains remarkably the same- healing, growing, how do we transcend and include - those from our past - or do we want to?

I am not sure she needs him - but I don't think I have the right to make that decision. I have been terrified of this day since she was born. Facing fears is good... blocked energy vanishes and makes room for newness...

I haven't told her yet... ahhhh...

the quality of my life...

the quality of a life improves by what you take out of it rather than what you add...

time is not something to be managed -

intentional
centered
aware

naked - how silly

I definately feel stalled lately - lots of blocked energy -

I spent the day moving and chopping wood, doing laundry - and cleaning the house.
I am loving being alone -

the next door neighbour - his house burnt to the ground - he is living in his shed - he has been pulling power from our house for a few months - he had no insurance. He came over today to give me a present from his green house. For some reason he just walked in the house (he knocked first) and I was there naked - I had gotten out of the bath (with epson salts and my new amazing bath salts) recently and since I was alone was not in a big hurry to get dressed- it was funny - and awkward - and weird. I took the bag from him and said thank you thank you - and he kept looking at me and saying no... thank you..... something tells me he won't be comming over with gifts again soon - or maybe he will...

Work has been so crazy for so long - I feel like it is finally settling into something manageable -
I love my work - it is challenging - and my learning edges I am being pushed in all directions.

Managing staff and budgets and I love that I get payed for personal development, learning and reflection - it feels so self indulgent - I get paid to do the self exploration that I would do anyway.

I talked to Leigh today - he called from Vancouver - he misses me (us) I can hear it in his voice.
Betrayal - how do you get over that?

My heart feels really open lately - I feel this strength and groundedness that allows me to have an open heart - I have always been so guarded - so closed - it is starting slowly to open.

I feel slightly vulnerable but mostly amazing - it feels so good to let go - being guarded takes effort and work - I need to let go of more - and I will be so much lighter.

Love is funny. I am closed and cold. For years I was such a cold lover to Leigh - I was so sure of myself - so arrogant that he would always love me more. I should take the betrayal personally - but I don't. Why am I so calm?

Intentions for tomorrow are to get a lot of my thesis done- I am back on the thesis train... gonna finish by Christmas - (woo hoo) - and I am going to run and go to yoga -

I love my cabin- my home - my daughter - I am so blessed...

Lillianna called me tonight - she is in town for a yoga retreat - we are going to have tea tomorrow - she was a good reminder of the beautifu people and connections and friends I have - even though I have not been nurturing relationships lately. I feel so disconnected from everything that matters.

I am in the middle of big changes - my life - it doesn't quite fit - it is a bit uncomfortable - like shoes that are a bit too small -

show me the way - show me the way to transcend and include - more forward up up up and away......

its snowing -I love the snow -
thesis must finish my thesis -

I get to take a greyhound bus 11 hrs to ft st john on tuesday because I forgot to book a plane ticket....

intentions

the idea of being intentional and setting intentions has played a bit part in my life lately -
I am setting some intentions this month - while Leigh is away and I have some lovely extra space and calmness to move into - I am intending to finish my thesis once and for all - I am going to give my daughter to my parents for longer periods of time - they are about to move to Victoria for good so this option will not be around for much longer - and I am also intending t0 be more centered and focussed around mediation and excercise -

I am feeling quite stagnent lately - I need to shake things up - and move forward - I think not finishing things and not dealing with things has blocked my creative energy and kept me from feeling alive and capapble of anything.

This month - I will finish my thesis - oh how wonderful that will be. I will also start making yoga, mediation and running a regular part of my daily schedule again - and by Christmas I should be feeling lighter and ready for some change.

I am off to the university now - and to the gym -

My work uses Ken Wilbers Integral theory and framework - and I am processing a lot of that - integral spirituality, spiral dynamics, and other tools to try and make sense of personal change.

I am unsure if I want to continue with my relationshiop of 8 years. I do not know which would be a bigger act of courage - to stay and work hard at making to work - or fly away - and accept

where to begin?

I am ready to begin - to change to move forward -
I have felt quite stuck lately - I found this old list that I wrote a while ago about what I was going to do when I finished my thesis -

I still years later have not finished my thesis - I feel a little stuck -
I think I have allowed myself to fall asleep -

my relationship is not great (my fault as much as anyones) - my life has diminished -
work is great but all else has suffered - it is time to wake up - to be fabulous to dream - to move to create to love -

CHANGE

Sunday, February 25, 2007

things I am going to do when I am done my thesis Things I am going to do once my thesis is done aaahhhh - yet another list (that will be a work in progress) stop by again to see what I have added.... 1. finally finish my training and become a yoga instructor (go back to India and spend some time there) 1.5 watch way more sunrises and sun sets from my beautiful property 2. make all my Chirstmas presents instead of buy them - I will start with cookies and lovely smelling bath salts. 2.5 stay in my pajamas all day - smoke something - do some gardening, go for a long walk with my pup, cook some yummy vegetarian food, have a long bath, and just enjoy my log cabin and the beautiful space I am so lucky to have. 3.. Take a painting course or an art course of some sort- it has been a long time - I have not been painting nearly enough - and I need some new inspiration- glass bead making would be cool. 3.5 show my baby and my darling little lady that I love them (and all my freinds for that matter) in more creative ways and more often. Make more of an effort. 4. learn how to kiteboard and base jump- get way better at surfing - and travel to tons more places to do all of these things - 4.5 spend much more time in nature - spend all day in the ocean - catching waves - watch the sun rise and the sun set. 5. get my Canadian Ski patrol certification 5.5 spend a lot more time naked 6. join a meditation group 6.5. Take up POTTERY again - especially hand building mugs and tea pots for everyone I know 7. train for a triathalon or two - dates are picked one up north one in van this summer 8. travel travel travel 9.pick up a musical instrument again - its been years - I once knew how to play the piano, guitar, flute, sax, and a few others. 10. learn how to salsa dance - and drum 11. work in Africa again 12. remember how much I love cooking - bake and cook from scratch instead of living on green tea and melba toast 13. actually have the time to cultivate meaning full friendships 14. do a phd in medical anthro 15. take some counselling courses and training - get some practical work expereince in social work or counselling (I get really sick of being in my head all the time). 16. become a documentary film maker - bringing cool academic critical theory to the masses through critical looks at all kinds of things in the world - locally to internationally and making the connections. 17. starting a burlesque troope - that would be very very fun - 18. photography - oh photography - helps me capture and look for the beauty and magic in every day life and things 19. join Alpine Canada and do lots of ice climbing, and hiking, and back country skiing 20. also join the volunteer fire department and search and rescue 21. volunteer with a service that gets me face to face with people I am helping 22 do much more climbing and hiking and scrambling 23 do fun things with my daughter - take another road trip with her - keep her out of school and have a mom and maya day -or week - or more. more to come - now back to my thesis